My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
