when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
