so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
