I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
