When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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