I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
