I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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