So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
