If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
