I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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