i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
