I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You ruined the universe
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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