I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
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