actually, I'm a sock model
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
