Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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