Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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