He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
