My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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