Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we're making bets on your personal life
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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