I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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