You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Floor bacon is actually really good
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
