youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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