i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
