Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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