she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
