cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
