Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
