who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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