Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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