Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
