At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
