I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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