I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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