YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
