Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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