Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
