It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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