the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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