I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
