why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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