She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
