Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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