I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
