My friends, they love my intelligence
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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