I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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