Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
