If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
