You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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