It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
