So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
