I need to stop coming to work sober
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She bit a glass in half.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
