I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
