phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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