im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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