just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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