we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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